I'm back with a rant about life

Well I'm back! ...I think...

So yeah... I've been MIA for over a year now and I'll be honest, it's mostly because I'm lazy. But cut me some slack, I'm a struggling and tired student trying to survive while also having to make decisions about my future while also having a dream (which I'm failing very badly at but that's a different topic) and trying figure out what this large scary imposing world is and how to make my way about it. While also trying to be healthy which is pretty much nonexistent in a teenager's life and of course there's a whole entire social life to worry about and then what's going on in the world and then stuff around me and there's work to do and so, so, so much more but maybe I'm just making excuses at this point. Maybe I'm not. I don't know. Bottom line is, I was trying to come back but I just couldn't but maybe now I'm back :)

Now since I started this off with a rant about life, why not complain more?

Life is hard, you know. Everybody at any different point of life would agree with that. I can't speak for everyone though, so I'll just talk about myself. Although I have no idea what to say because I have no idea what a blog is even supposed to be, but I'll just you know... Say stuff. I'm a high school student. There's a lot going on. My brain kinda feels like it's bursting because I have no idea what I'm doing. I do things, I regret things, I plan things, I dream of things, but how much of it is making a difference? Am I really doing what I'm trying to do?

Sometimes I'll look back at stuff I did thinking I was being so nice but now I feel like I shouldn't have done that. Regret is such a terrible thing to feel, but I feel it regularly. Guilt for hurting people in the past, not sure if I've redeemed myself. Not sure if they still remember it or forgot about it. Not sure if they ever forgave me. Maybe they did, they still are close to me. But I still think back to that stuff I did and well, it's painful.

Emotions are really complicated right now. They're hard to comprehend, hard to understand, hard to accept. Sometimes I feel a million different things at once, sometimes I just feel so sad and empty. This isn't anything new; everyone feels this. But that doesn't make it easier. It's hard to deal with it all while also having a whole entire world around you to deal with. It becomes exhausting sometimes. Feelings are hard.

Along with that, I'm growing up. My mentality is changing and my environment is changing. I may or may not need to change myself for this environment. Maybe I already did change myself; I don't know, I have no idea.

Things don't remain the same and I kind of hate that. I don't like it but I still do. There's the good parts and the bad. It's overwhelming a lot of times. I guess you could say I'm afraid of change, but at the end I become grateful for that change.

But I didn't talk about the most pressing thing yet. School. Homework, exams, studying, teachers, events, peer pressure, it's just so hard to keep up with everything. There's always a million different things going on at once, you never know what to do and what to focus on. One thing I've noticed is that I don't ever focus on the present when I'm in school. Either I'm doing homework in class for the next class, or thinking about that practice I need to go to in a bit, or thinking about that embarrassing moment I had in the previous class or two years ago, or the stuff I need to submit tomorrow, or of course when the class will end. It's hard to focus when you have to do 55000 different things at the same time. Plus at my age, you're supposed to choose your entire career path and plan everything out. You have to know exactly what you're going to do. For me, I decided what I wanted to do when I was 11. It hasn't changed since then. But how do I do it? What if I choose the wrong things and don't end up doing what I want to? That thought is honestly really terrifying to me.

Along with that you have to start preparing for college exams from now. There's extra coachings, extra classes, tuitions, extra books, homework, exams, extra studying, just a lot going on. It's hard to handle everything at once, and to be honest, I actually can't handle it all. I'm behind on all my work. And of course there's so much external pressure, it makes things even worse. But I still manage to barely do it somehow.

But the worst part of all of this is how it affects my extracurricular activities, thus affecting my goals, dreams, and ambitions. I wanna be a performer, mainly a singer. But it's really, really difficult to find time to practice. Even though I somehow find time to practice singing for a bit, I don't get time to actually make music or practice dance. Which is why I haven't released any original music in over a year. I feel really guilty about it, but I simply can't complete anything else. And it's not that I don't work on anything at all. It's not something that I can get right on the first try. It takes so many different drafts and attempts until you make something that actually sounds decent, and then that ends up being too slow or has some other problem yay now you gotta make it again! It's a long, and to be honest, tedious process, which I need more time for but I simply don't have it. But I still try.

Well that was really long. I'm really very grateful to you from of the bottom of my heart if you actually took the time to read all of that. If you didn't read it all, understandable, I hope you liked what you did read. I'm not gonna make this any longer, so bottom line, yeah everything is a struggle, but I'm trying.

See ya later (hopefully not after another year)! Byee for now!